Happy New Year - Emma's Pursuit of Happiness

 I haven't written in a long time.

I wasn't going to write again. I wanted to put this blog in it's virtual box, in the corner of the virtual attic of the World Wide Web, and let it gather virtual dust. But from the volume of people emailing me and asking why the hell haven't I written in so long (wtf?!? I thought only my parents ever logged on) it doesn't look like that's an option.

I'm not really sure what to say. Three and a half months is too long a time to bring you all up to speed on the dreary, everyday minutae of my life. It's not really been a great period anyway. Russell seems to have been a catalyst for something dark and Hollywood nasty-ish to resurface in my psyche, and it feels like I have lived day to day trying to battle it with tools I'm not so sure I possess. The result? Long stretches of internal self-abuse and the alienation and vilification of loved ones - who I hope will one day forgive me.

It's New Year's Eve and here I am, back on Koh Tao. This last month was supposed to be a cleansing and spiritually rejuvenating time for me. I was going to exercise regularly, meditate on a daily basis and eat healthily. Entering my 4th week on the island I can tell you that I haven't run once, meditating hurts my brain and I have gained back 5 of the kilos I worked so hard to lose. While I still love Koh Tao and the people on it, I find myself looking forward to getting back to Oz next week and wondering how I managed for so long before.

I had originally set my sights on Cairns. If you have a look at my map you will see that, in a no-rhyme-or-reason kind of way, my journey thus far has taken me zig-zagging up and down the country. This time I want to zig-zag across, incorporating some more of the Outback that I have so fallen in love with. But this morning I woke up with a unexplained urge to go back to Byron Bay first. I passed through it briefly with my family when they came to visit me in November and the small town charm of the place managed to penetrate the icy fog that was Emma Foster at the time. I firmly believe that instincts are there to be trusted not ignored and so that is my next destination. I believe it also helps that I remember it to be populated by cute surfer bums.

I'll let you in on a not-so-secret. I hate New Year's. Every Dec 31st for as long as I can remember I have shed tears in nightclub toilets or on long, cold walks home at the forced jollity of celebrating another year gone, another year wasted. I would dearly love to have an early night tonight with a takeaway and a movie, sharing my bed with the delectable Jim, Jack or Johnny (or maybe all three!! What a night THAT would be!) but Brummie has promised that if I am not at Crystal Bar at 7pm on the dot he will come and break down my door (unluckily, owing to the fact that he bought my home from the hospital on Boxing Day - long story - he does actually know where I live!) I just have to hope that I can punk out and go home early without anyone noticing me.

Well I really want 2009 to be different. I'm going to try really, really hard. I hope you come along for the journey but I can't guarantee it's always going to be light and funny. Everyone has a dark side and sometimes I simply don't have the energy or strength to fight it. However I hereby promise to make it as entertaining  as possible -  the Chinese believe that your 24th year is your unluckiest and I fully anticipate to spend a lot of the time feeling like I have just been Punk'd!!

When the wheels left the ground at Heathrow more than a year ago, I promised I wouldn't return to England, not even for a vacation, until I was normal and right in the head. That same still holds true but I would really like to have a Christmas at home next year. I guess that's my resolution.

A late Merry Christmas and an early Happy New Year for all who enjoy it.