Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Mark's death. I'll go to an early mass with Mark's parents, and then travel to Port Pirie for the funeral mass for Peter, who died from the same form of leukemia. I was very privileged to be with the family over those last days of his life.
I don't know whether it's my body now making a protest as I've been pushing myself to put on a cheerful face, to stay busy (walking, camping, gardening), to deny the inner turmoil etc - but I have had terrible pain in my left leg over these past two days since Peter's death - at times actually prompting an involuntary crying out from the pain (but never in front of others, of course!). Finally went to a pharmacist this evening and he has given me heavy duty painkillers and voltarin tablets. It's probably just old age and I do remember I used to get these pains before Mark fell ill, but they stopped (along with migraine headaches) throughout his illness. Bugger.
Listening to a tape of Richard Rohr's talk 'The Path of Descent'. He talks about the mystery of transformation through suffering - the Paschal Mystery - and says that it is through loss that we learn who God is for us, who God is in us and who God is with us. 'Loss and death are the great teachers of life'. I recognise the truth of what he is saying - but I don't want these lessons. I just want Mark.
So tired now. The tablets make me feel a bit nauseous. Probably shouldn't be writing like this.
Sorry to hear you were struggling with Mark's anniversary in January, hope things have eased since. I think the real loss of my sister hit me 2 years after her death - the realisation that she wasn't coming back - I too started to feel down and so on and heard her voice very loudly in my head telling me to get on with life - guess Mark would be saying the same to you.
We're planning to return to Iona in October again this year and will think of you in the Prayer House.
With love and good wishes Pauline & Sue