deep thoughts

i should be studying.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.



If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."



When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.



When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.



If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!


In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.





Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful



“What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?”



“You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”



“Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.”



If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.”



He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him