"I don't think that men and women can be friends" says my friend.
"Oh, yeah why not?"
"They just can't"
"I disagree. I would be sad if I did not have the male friends that I have."
"ok" says my friend.
"If you don't believe that men and women can be friends, then what am I to you?"
"ahahhahahah" we laugh.
Sitting next to my little nephew, 11 months old, his full attention obsorbed in a plastic wrap with bubbles. He is the product of 2 cultures. Half of his culture says that men and women can not be friends. The other half says that men and women can be friends. I imagine when he will be older, starting to ask his first questions. What will I answer?
My answer is my experience. I live in a culture where men and women are friends, so far it's pretty simple. One of the wanderful and sometimes dangerous things that meeting cultures can do, is that it makes us question our own culture with a fresh eye. It is wanderful because it can open our heart, it is dangerous because it takes away the sense of security that comes with being sure of something.
"A man and a woman can not meet more than 3 times" said a buddhist monk one day. "After 3 times problems start".
"Women are always a problem"
"Men are always a problem"
"hahahahahah" we laugh with my friend still unsure about man and woman being friends.
"We have to be honest with ourselves. We are sexual beings. Our first drive is sex, nature wants us to reproduce the species" I say.
"We have to accept the sexual thoughts we have for some people around us. It is natural, healthy actually. The thought is not bad, it is what we do with it that matters." I keep going.
"It is not because I look at Mount Everest that I want to climb it" he replies with a smile.
"Exactly!!" I smile back.
In the cultures where men and women can not be friends, ancient religion is the main controlling factor in daily life. Marriage is regulated, for the large majority, by the priests and family. The chosen one is selected using astrological matchings, and family decisions. Here, the notion of "love marriage" has a bad name, doomed to failure. Marriage becomes a convenient business deal between man and woman. The individual has very little to say. Men and women are not friends, they do their duty, and more if affinity. Most kids grow up at home with mam, around the family. After mam, the man marries another mam, looking for the same confort, as long as the illusion never changes. Afraid to open to others, they live locked up inside. They give their life to god, but they forget themselves, lost in spirit.
Here, sex is controlled to it's highest level. Society writes all the rules. Women are like this, and men are like that. End of story.
In the cultures where men and women are friends, the old gods have been killed, dissected, analized, replaced by the last fashion. The controlling factor in daily life is made by individual decisions. Marriage is an agrement between 2 individuals that can be broken at any time. The freedom factor opens a whole new set of questions. The individual with no set rules is now faced with a new question: "what do I want?". Most kids grow up in a nursery, the family comes and goes, mixed with strange boys and girls. They jump from family to the next, looking for the perfect home that can only exist in dreams. Afraid to go inside, they live locked up outside. They kill god, but they forget the god in themselves, lost in matter.
Sex is like coca cola: a cheap product of consumation. Easy to get, fast to digest, only a few disapearing bubbles left after the act. All is permitted, people try everything fast, addicted to anything new. "More, fast, new" is the mantra.
"So, what is love then?" my little nephew will ask.
"Ah, people will say a lot of things about love. They will try to explain everything, but love is the Great Mystery. You have to accept that you can never understand everything, it would be boring if you could. Always laugh when you meet someone who says that they know everything."
At first the cultures appear more diferent than similar. But if we look deeper, we find the same result for both cultures.
People follow rules, they wear masks. The more freedom people have, the more they dream of rules. The more rules they have, the more they dream of freedom.
Under the perfect masks, men quit women, leaving broken families behind them. Men beat their wives, selfish bastards. Women, nagging bitches and material whores. Men turn into idiots at the first sight of any boobs or ass. Women use their sexual power to use men at their will. In both cultures, people say in front of their god "I love you", or the equivalent "my duty is my family", and they lie, steal, hurt each other.
Under the masks, in front of new or old gods, astrologically written destiny, society and family pressure, men and women try to find their own way. No rules can keep men from looking for what they think they need. There are no mistakes, only experiences. When we are ready, we learn from the experience. When not ready, we repeat the experience, we call it a mistake. Slowly, we grow. With our fear of the new, each alone in our own created prisons.
"I don't know what to think here. All the men touch each other. But I don't know if they are gay or not" says a gay man as we talk, munching on a vegg burger and fries on Z street.
He was a bit confused. Searching for male partners in a culture where men are very close to each other, he did not know what was what anymore. Coming from a culture where it is considered that if men touch each other, it usually means that they are gay, my gay friend was a little like an alien landing on a new planet trying to understand the local customs. He found men, of course.
If we try to control something too much, this something becomes even stronger. We can not control everything. Better is to be honest, understand and make choices accordingly. We can not control, we can only accept. What we do not accept becomes guilt. It is god or the devil, it is society, it is the other fault. We cry, unable to accept our own choices.
One day, my little nephew will ask:
"What is love?"
"You see, people are like flowers. So, you have to be a gardener. Each flower is diferent. A rose can never be a prune tree, a sunflower can never be a tomatoe. What the flower wants is to grow into the beautiful flower it is. Some flowers you will like more than ohers, it is ok. You have to develop your own tastes. The only thing you can give to the flower is some space to grow, some water to eat, some sun to grow. Space is like the freedom to choose for yourself, water like the huggs and kisses, the sun like the work that the gardener has to do."
"Can a man and a woman be friends?" he will ask.
"Yes, I think so. A flower is always a flower you know, even if it is a man or a woman. Try for yourself and see."
The first instinct is reproduction. It is a blind animal drive. Second, we start seing the other. We understand, and accept the other with it's qualities and weaknesses.
From that point on, a relationship is created. Relationships, like flowers, have their own life time. Any relationship needs commitment. All gardens needs some work to stay alive.
Some friends become lovers, some lovers become friends. Some love each other, then hate each other, some hate each other, then love each other. Some grow together to become friend-lover. Love like the mystery it is, is a rare gift, that has to be opened with deep appreciation. Most just forget each other.
For a friend-lover relationship, the sexual as well as the friend needs have to be fullfilled. A healthy couple has a healthy sex life. We can never completely shut down the animal in us. We have to give a few cookies to our inner beast for our humanity to be happy.
Sometimes, the friend-lover flower is so happy, that it passes the years, growing new leaves together. The wild kisses become the pleasures of sharing a cup of tea, sitting in silence watching the world turn. Waking up next to each other, the flowers smile, their petals embracing. Finally, after all the leaves are gone, the flower turns brown. The seed bloomed into it's full potential, it now becomes compost for the next flowers to be.
"Tell me more about flowers" my little nephew will ask.
"The gardener learns with his own garden, with family and friends. Then the gardener can see flowers grow all over the world. Because there are many flowers, you have to choose which flower to spend time with. You can not be with all the flowers at the same time.
Sometimes the wind brings the flowers together, other times the wind seperates the flowers. Some flowers like each other so much that the wind brings them back together, again and again. Some flowers grow alone, far away from other flowers, they are wild."
"The wild flowers are more special?" he might ask.
"No, they are just wild. Flowers are flowers, wild or in gardens. When you understand this, then, all flower becomes special in your heart, each in their own special way."
To the flowers I love and to my family always. A special thought for a little flower that came into this world in September, welcome to Gabriella and a big kiss to her family
