I'm here, I'm alive, I'm safe, I'm settling in.
Overall things are going REALLY well. Christ and MaryJane are incredibly welcoming, the kids are cute as hell - still getting used to me but cute as hell nonetheless, and from what I've seen so far, I REALLY like this area.
I met the man, and initially was incredibly excited, overjoyed, overwhelmed, and now, I'm not sure what I am. I know, 3 days and I'm already riding that bucking bronco of emotions, but really I need to cut myself a little slack and give myself a little credit. I just moved 3000+ miles from everything I know, love, and find familiar, and I'm allowed to go through some emotional ups and downs in this process, so I need to allow myself to do that and not be so down on myself when I have the downs cause that really only makes it worse and really doesn't change a thing.
So, that being said, I bawled myself to sleep last night. I just don't think I realized how much (as much as I love modern technology for its ability to keep us all in touch) physical distance still very much affects my emotions. I hate that I can't just run over to Andria's house when something goes wrong and that I have to consider what time it is in CA every time I want to get in touch with one of you to figure out if you'd even be awake. I know I'll get used to it, but right now it's feeling a little lame.
I think one of the major things that's really hit home and that I'm really struggling with right now is that losing Jim Mills is finally really sinking in and I'm heartbroken. I'm heartbroken that I didn't go see him as soon as I heard he was sick, I'm heartbroken that I can't tell him how much he meant and means to me and that I'll never ever forget him, I'm heartbroken that I can't attend his memorial service to look his family in the eye and tell them that he was one man who changed my life forever and I will always love him.
So, in lieu of any of that, I'm allowing myself to experience the down, saddened, tough emotions. The fact that I even cried the way I did last night is a huge step in a healthier direction for me, but tough nonetheless. It means I'm getting back some of the old Sharon that knew how to allow herself to feel emotions when appropriate and not feel so terrified of them or worried about how they're going to affect those I'm closest to. Probably helps that I have no one I'm "closest" to right now, but you know what I mean.
I love and miss you all more than I can explain. I'll do a video post soon, I promise, and show you around the house a bit. Please keep in touch, I need the texts and howdy-ho's as much as possible right now.
Love always and forever,
Sharon
